My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
