Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
