you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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