**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
His hands were made for my vagina.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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