I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize