just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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