I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
