Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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