So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
