what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
