Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
