peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
