So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
