I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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