Betty ford says i'm here all night
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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