I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
