If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
