Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
