I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
