Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
