so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
the day after is always just damage control
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
