The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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