Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
