you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
