Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
