i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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