He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
