you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
