i wish my penis had a tongue
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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