you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
