I wish I could teleport
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
