genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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