College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
