whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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