I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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