Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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