is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
