my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize