You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
