She is in my trunk
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
