This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
