I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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