I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize