1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
