he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Vodka?
Forever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize