Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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