I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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