When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
