I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize