I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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