i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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