im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
