Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
