She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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