There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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