So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
