drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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