so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
