Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
