oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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