You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
