I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
there is glitter all over my balls
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