I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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