You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
