Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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