does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
